how i want to remember you
by Princesa andrmeda
Summary: "Sousuke woke up to a strange feeling of dread, a presence in his chest that he couldn't quite put a finger on." (SouNagi, Soulmates!AU, Guardian Angels!AU, songfic, HBD Nagisa!)


_'Promise me you'll be happy,_

_you used to be so pretty when you laughed,_

_and like this, just like this,_

_is how I want to remember you.'_

—_Historia de un sueño_; LOVG

* * *

Sousuke woke up to a strange feeling of dread, a presence in his chest that he couldn't quite put a finger on.

He heaved on the must-have-been nightmare, taking deep, slow breaths like the counselor had told him to.

And that's when he heard the mumbling besides him.

A kid. A blonde kid. Sleeping besides him.

He fell on his butt from the shock.

"What the…?!"

He took a couple of seconds to recover from the shock, and when he did, he noticed a curious pair of eyes staring at him. Then the kid smiled like Christmas had come early.

"Good morning, Sou-chan!"

Sousuke stared back, disbelieving. "Who are you and what are you doing in my bed?" … "_Sou-chan?_"

The kid pouted a little. "Mou, Sou-chan sure is grumpy in the morning…" he mumbled to himself, stretching out of the covers, and barely stifling a yawn. After a couple more seconds, he got off the bed and did a salute straight out of a movie. "My name's Nagisa, and I'm your assigned guardian angel!"

Sousuke blinked. Ok. So. This kid. Had been sent. To protect _him_. With how small he was, wouldn't it be the other way around?

"A kid?" He asked, now sitting on the bed. (Idly he noticed how Nagisa wasn't quite standing as he was _hovering_.)

"Who else?" He looked genuinely curious, and Sousuke had to tear away from his gaze.

"I don't know, someone older?" After all, he remembered Rin mentioning that his dad had become his guardian angel after he died. Wait, did that mean… "did you die?" Come to think of it: Sousuke and this Nagisa kid weren't related, so how come he had become his guardian angel?

(Gulping, he lifted his sleeve up. He had covered his words since he had felt them burn into his skin, and he had meant to keep it that way for the rest of his life since they weren't Rin's words.

_'__Hey, Sou-chan. Are you Gou-chan's boyfriend?'_)

"You were my soulmate," he deadpanned, not knowing how to feel about it. "And you died." A part of him felt relieved at not having to deal with all the odyssey, drama and heartbreak that comes with having a soulmate, but on the other hand…

The only person made for him had just died.

* * *

"Nee, Sou-chan, aren't 'cha gonna eat?" Nagisa mumbled between bites.

Sousuke had told his brother that uh, something happened the day before and he needed time to think on it like the counselor had told him to, and since it was a weekend, he was allowed to bring breakfast to his bed. He didn't have much of an appetite, if he was honest, though that didn't seem like a problem with Nagisa around.

"Should you even be able to eat?" He asked, lifting a napkin to clean the cream smudge on his cheek. Seriously, how old was this kid, two? His hand almost went through him when he tried to wipe it, and he gasped from surprise. Maybe he needed to get his Guardian Angel Facts straight.

Nagisa stood still for a second to allow being taken care of, before shrugging. "I mean it's not like I _need_ it to live, but I can still enjoy a few things. And marmalade toast is one thing I don't wanna miss out on!" That said, he continued digging his way through the breakfast, ignoring Sousuke's skeptical gaze.

"I see…"

Nagisa was a mystery. He had been told that he only remembered his first name and the lightning-fast training he had been given to become a guardian angel, which made Sousuke all the more curious about what kind of life the kid had had.

_It's useless_, he told himself, and resigned himself to the fact that they were going to be stuck together for quite a while.

* * *

"Are you doing your homework? Ooh, is that a letter?! Letters are so romantic~!" Sousuke sighed, and told himself that maybe he'd have to postpone it. Yet again.

It wasn't like Nagisa barged in all the time. I mean he did, but it wasn't out of malice. Which was the only reason Sousuke hadn't snapped at him yet. For all his noisiness, and pushiness and his touchy-feely tendencies, Nagisa had a little-brother aura around him that made it nearly impossible to be mad at him.

(It had to be his eyes. Definitely the eyes. Entirely too wide and innocent.)

(He idly wondered if the kid Rin had once wrote to him about was anything like Nagisa.)

"Yes, it's a letter." He answered, putting his pen down and staring at the excited look on the boy.

"_Dear Rin_," he read aloud, "whoa, does Sou-chan have a girlfriend?" He giggled and winked at him. "And so young, too!"

Sousuke 'tsk'ed and returned to the letter, now tapping the edges of the paper with his pen. "Rin's a boy."

"But it's a girl's name!"

"So is Nagisa."

Nagisa pouted and crossed his arms. "…Touché," he agreed.

"_My name is Matsuoka Rin, it's a girl's name but I'm a boy_, was how he introduced himself to the class," a small smile made its way to his face, and seeing it, Nagisa could only mimic it.

"You really love him, don't you?" Sousuke stared at him, shocked, and was suddenly convinced that Nagisa could see right through him. He felt tongue-tied for a couple of seconds, wasn't it bad manners to talk about his crush with his would-have-been soulmate?

"Doesn't matter," he muttered, and did his best to ignore Nagisa as he put his writing stuff back on the drawer. After all, he didn't _know_ Nagisa. He didn't owe him any confidences.

* * *

Whenever Sousuke was at school, he was left alone. Rin wasn't there since a year and a half ago and while Nagisa had seemed interested in the middle school material in the beginning, he had decided that he could not understand it, and if Sou-chan wasn't willing to explain it to him, why bother? (He napped from time to time in one of the unoccupied seats, because while other people couldn't see him and certainly couldn't touch him, he didn't want someone getting the heebie-jeebies from his presence.)

But that was okay.

* * *

Somewhere along the way, when Rin's letters had stopped coming, Sousuke had realized that they could meet again if Sousuke were to become an olympic swimmer.

It was to this realization that he threw himself to his training with a renewed effort.

Sometimes Nagisa would splash around, properly entertained with whatever kid was swimming on the nearest lane.

"Do you want to race?" He didn't know what had prompted him to ask Nagisa that, when he reached the wall, in-between pants and a glance to the digital chronometer.

Nagisa just shrugged. "I dunno," he seemed to be staring at the boy making the turn, "I don't think I'd be very good at the butterfly."

"Why don't you show me?" He was careful not to seem like he was talking to thin air, looking around and talking to Nagisa as low as he could. "I'm sure I could give you some pointers."

After another shrug, and a not-smiling Nagisa (for some reason the somber-ness of his face didn't settle right with him), his clothes transformed into a swimsuit that was reminiscent of his early club years, as opposed to the professional jammers he was wearing now. Had Nagisa gone to a swim club while he was alive? Was a swim meet the circumstance they were to meet under?

Nagisa got up on the starting point, his gaze fixed on the goal, probably something someone had taught him for his diving to not fall short. As Nagisa got to the surface to breathe, he couldn't help but agree with him.

Butterfly definitely wasn't his thing.

(A part of him felt a little disappointed, that his should-have-been soulmate wasn't good at his best stroke. Did he have enough motivation to teach him? It would certainly help to endear Nagisa to him. But then again…

Nagisa was _dead._)

"You crook your elbows and you don't use your hips at all," he said, once Nagisa got back to the wall. A shimmer of _something_ appeared in his eyes, but then it disappeared, and his smile was back.

"I think I'd be better at breaststroke!" He said, pointing to one of the kids, "can we race that?"

Sousuke took a deep breath. He didn't usually swim breaststroke, but he guessed it would be fine. He nodded and got on the starting point, too.

He asked one of his classmates to time him, and at the 'go' they both dived. Instantly, Sousuke felt like he was being sucked in; and after the turn, he felt like something was tugging at him. A feeling of being a prey. Despite the fact that he was giving it his all, he felt like he was falling behind.

He reached the wall to see Nagisa climbing out already, and he felt a pang to his chest at the thought of what Nagisa could have been.

* * *

"I don't think you should train too much." Nagisa was laying on his back, while Sousuke was doing weights.

After the twentieth repetition, Sousuke put the weight back and stared at Nagisa. "Why?"

Nagisa bit his lip, his cheeks rosy and plump. (It was at times like this that it struck to him that Nagisa would remain forever a child. Whereas he already had some muscle mass and resembled the guys at high school and university, Nagisa looked like the lanky kid he was when they met little more than a year ago. No growing-spurt, no nothing.)

"I read somewhere that people are more prune to getting injuries—" ('_prone',_ he corrected absentmindedly) "if they overwork themselves." He sounded rather matter-of-fact, and while Sousuke knew that what he had said was right, he didn't want to acknowledge it.

"I'll be fine," he said, and took a gulp from his water bottle before starting again.

* * *

He didn't know why he cared; he knew Nagisa was being sulky because he didn't hear his advice, and had even told him off a couple of times, or maybe it was because he had decided to cut off communication with Gou once he entered high school.

He told himself he'd be better off if Nagisa didn't talk to him ever again.

* * *

"I told you you'd get hurt if you kept training like you had," Nagisa said, as Sousuke was doing the rehab exercises he had been instructed. "You _are_ going to listen to the doctor this time, right?"

Sousuke stopped for a second, thinking on how to best answer that.

"Right?"

He didn't.

* * *

"Maybe you really shouldn't push yourself so hard."

"Maybe you really shouldn't nag me all the time."

When Sousuke looked up, trying to swallow the guilt swarming in his gut, Nagisa was gone.

* * *

It had been quite some time since he had last talked to Nagisa, and when it became too silent, he noticed the blonde wasn't even there.

Did he, too, give up on Sousuke?

No matter. His being one of the top ten butterfly swimmers would mean _nothing_ if he let this injury hold him down.

* * *

He had moved to Tokyo for his first and second year of high school, choosing to up his game and also using the opportunity to have better physicians in such a big city.

Perhaps it would be better with a constant chatter, encouraging him, but he tried not to think too hard on it.

* * *

Sousuke woke up to a strange feeling of dread in his chest, a presence in his chest he couldn't quite put a finger on.

"Nagisa…" he croaked, for some reason not surprised at all nor startled by his presence. It was strange, he pondered, after almost a year of radio silence to finally hear his voice. In sobs.

"I thought that I'd lost you for sure!" he exclaimed as he wrapped his tiny arms around him, and Sousuke could do little more than pat him on his back. "I told you not to overwork yourself, because you could end up here, but then you pushed me away and I thought maybe Sou-chan no longer cared for me! When you collapsed in the middle of the pool, crying out because of the pain, I was terrified!" And Sousuke wanted to cry too, because he could also feel the utter fear and the blacking out and the knot in his gut from the guilt.

"I'm sorry…" he croaked again and coughed, his throat dry from not drinking and his arm achy from being hooked to an IV. "I won't do it again."

"Hush," Nagisa said, and Sousuke expected a reprimand. "Don't talk now, the nurse said you needed your energy to recover." He pulled away and dried his tears, tears Sousuke almost felt in his hospital gown.

Sousuke nodded and went back to sleep.

* * *

"I thought the doctor said to take it easy," Nagisa admonished.

"I _am_ taking it easy." Nagisa put his hands in his hips and pouted.

"Then why are we in the nationals?" Sousuke smiled a little, then stopped before reaching the bleachers.

"I was hoping that Rin would be here." They hadn't mailed in ages, and really, the probability of him being there was so small it was ridiculous. But he wanted to hope.

"Oooh! We're finally meeting the infamous 'Rin-chan'? I'm pretty excited." Sousuke rolled his eyes. Of course the teasing would never stop.

"I said he _might_ come, but I'm not too sure…" he scanned the participants until… "ah, there he is." He spotted a bit of red. "I wonder if that guy came too…"

Nagisa didn't ask who "that guy" was, instead he tilted his head and sent him a questioning gaze. "Aren't 'cha gonna go to the bleachers? You can cheer for him better from there," he pointed out, and immediately Sousuke frowned.

"I don't know, it's been so long…" but Nagisa was having none of it as he grabbed his wrist and dragged him through the crowd.

"Look! There's a seat near the front row available!" Sousuke was barely able to keep up when he suddenly was sat.

"Sousuke-kun?" Asked a voice he knew too well, but as he was frozen in place it wasn't his own voice that came out.

"Gou-chan…?" her face reddened, and she suddenly said:

"It's Kou!" Before realizing it hadn't been Sousuke who said that, and her face scrunched up in confusion (just like Sousuke's) and paled when the see-through image of Nagisa became visible to her. "Nagisa-kun…" And no one there was imagining the tears in her eyes and her slightly cracked voice. Nagisa paid her no mind as he was now staring at Sousuke.

"So this 'Rin' you've been pen-pals with for so long… it really was Rin-chan," he said, "the one who… who went to Australia and promised to write letters…" and he was suddenly grabbing his head and he was crying and neither knew what to do with a crying Nagisa. But then, as if drawn by Rin, he looked at the competition and noticed Rin flailing in the pool. He put his hands together and started shouting: "Go, go go go Rin-chan!" Rin didn't seem to hear him.

It was then that Gou recovered her composure, and imitating Nagisa she also put her hands around her mouth and started yelling too, cheering for her beloved older brother: "Go, go go go Onii-chan!" Rin didn't seem to hear her either.

So Sousuke decided to take a leap of faith and followed suit: "Go, go go go Rin!"

But as the competition continued, Rin seemed to be falling behind more and more, until he lost the race and couldn't get up on his own.

"I need to go talk to him." Nagisa said suddenly before sprinting off the way they came.

"Hey, wait!" Gou started to follow him, still a little stunned at what was happening and Sousuke couldn't just leave those two alone, so he also started to run.

* * *

"Rin!" It was Haruka's voice that got him out of his reverie. A grimace on his face and a dark cloud looming over his head.

"So you have come to mock me, too? Go ahead, then. Laugh!" Haru shook his head.

"It's not that at all, I finally get it: your dream! The image you wanted to show us!" Through his speech, he kept firm, and Rin's expression changed from a self-deprecating one to an angry one. Rage.

"Shut up!" He said something else, but his vision had gone red and the air was just so suffocatingly hot, he couldn't think straight as he pushed Haru to the ground, and as he was about to punch him…

"Haru-chan, Rin-chan! Stop!"

…he was plunged into icy cold water.

Nagisa was there, barely a foot away. He had probably been drawn in by the sound of Rin yelling and Haru trying to calm him down in the railway near ISC. He had been so into his fight, he hadn't noticed the alarm that warned of the incoming train, and only really registered Nagisa's body colliding with his and pushing him out of harm's way at his own cost.

Nagisa was _dead._

So why could he hear his voice…?

_For the team_, he read on the dirt, near the tree.

'_I only swim free'_, he read on his arm, the phrase he had committed to his mind the moment it appeared so he could meet the one meant to love him (yes he was a romantic at heart don't sue him).

Then he risked a glance at Haru's face, and knew he heard the same thing from the slight nod of his head. They both looked up and barely held back a gasp, for there was Nagisa, gasping for breath, and red in the face, and grabbing his knees, and see-through, and _a child._

"I don't know what happened after I died, but you guys need to get your act together and swim!" He said once he had recovered his breath. "Because the medley relay is about to start and _soon_," he walked over to them, and both were surprised to discover that he was solid, if a bit cold to the touch, and every bit as strong as they never thought he was when they were kids.

"But… Nagisa… we're not even in the same team!" Rin protested, once he got past the fact that Nagisa was _there._

"You can swim in my place," a new voice interrupted from the sidelines. Nagisa's eyes lit up with recognition. "I hope you don't mind doing breaststroke, since I know Matsuoka-kun's best stroke in Elementary was butterfly and I don't think Ryuugazaki-kun would be too happy of giving up his place on the team."

"Aki-chan! You've changed so much since Elementary!"

"And you haven't changed at all, Nagisa-kun." Aki answered regretfully. But Nagisa kept smiling.

"I'll take that as a compliment," he said before turning back to Rin. "So what are you waiting for? Be happy together and swim!" Rin was still rooted to his spot.

"But I…" he looked around, to the approving and supportive gazes of people he hadn't seen in ages and he gulped, "will you forgive me?"

"Will you forgive us?" corrected Haru. Nagisa took both of their hands and shook his head.

"There is nothing that needs forgiving," he squeezed their hands, and the fact that he was a guardian angel made it feel even more like it was a blessing, "now _go._"

Once they were alone, Sousuke spoke up. "So you were that kid in the locker room, that called him 'Rin-chan'…" It wasn't really a question.

"And you were Rin-chan's best friend in Sano Elementary," he replied with a giggle. "We really were meant to be soulmates, since we both liked Rin-chan so much," before Sousuke could ask what he meant by that, Nagisa was already tugging his wrist back to the competition. "Let's go watch, this will be awesome." Sousuke agreed, intertwining their fingers.

* * *

"Nagisa, stop fretting. I should be the one nervous about seeing your family." Sousuke admonished, adjusting the bouquet of chrysanthemums in his arms.

"But I haven't seen them in ages…" he pouted, and kept fretting.

"Yes?" A woman answered the door, and in her blond, straight hair Sousuke already could see a resemblance to his friend.

"I'm Yamazaki Sousuke," he bowed and offered the bouquet, "Nagisa's soulmate." In an instant, the woman's eyes filled with tears.

"Do come in," she said, guiding him through the genkan while she ran to the living room. "Honey! Nagisa's soulmate is in the dining room!"

"Are you really?" A girl asked from the top if the stairs, her gaze skeptic as she analyzed Sousuke and the bouquet in his arms. "How do you know Nagisa was your soulmate?"

"That's Naomi," Nagisa said in his ear. "I wonder where Natsuko and Nanako are."

"He says you are Naomi, and that he wonders where Natsuko and Nanako are." Her eyes widened with realization, and then, as her mother's, became moisty too.

"So he became your guardian angel?" It wasn't really a common occurrence, so her skepticism had reason to be. Sousuke nodded. "Could you… could you maybe apologize for how we treated him when we were children?"

"He says it's all in the past, and that it was thanks to you he made friends in the swim club."

Naomi nodded, gulping and sighing to calm herself. Then proceeded to talk to them about Nanako and her boyfriend, and Natsuko and her exchange program.

* * *

"You're applying for Samezuka?" Nagisa asked when he saw the sign-up form on his desk.

"Yeah, figured I wanted to be away from the never-sleepiness of the city." He answered as he kept toweling his hair and laid on his bed.

"Are you sure it isn't because you want to swim with Rin-chan again?" He asked and started giggling, but then his face sobered a little. "Just… promise me two things."

Sousuke instantly sat up. "Yeah, what is it?" Nagisa walked over to him, and took his face in his tiny hands, making sure Sousuke wouldn't tear his gaze away from his.

"Promise me you won't overwork yourself to the ground again," before Sousuke could protest, Nagisa shook his head adamantly. "Your health is no joking matter, so please promise me you'll be honest to Rin-chan about your injury and lean on him when you need to, he'll be devastated if he finds out when you can no longer swim."

After a long sigh, Sousuke nodded. "Okay, will do. And the other thing?" Upon hearing his promise, Nagisa grinned and sat besides him on the bed.

"Promise me you'll be happy." He said simply. Sousuke frowned, and after a couple of confused blinks, he noticed that Nagisa was no longer see-through nor a child, but rock-solid and looked as he would have had he lived long enough.

"Why?" He asked. It was a strange request, after all. He was happy with the way things were, and was sure things would just keep going uphill. Nagisa just giggled.

"Because you used to look so pretty when you laughed!" He said before pinching Sousuke's, cheeks like it was something obvious. And maybe it was. To Nagisa.

"I'm not pretty," he complained. He wasn't pouting. Shut up.

"Well, maybe not now when you put scary shark faces like Rin-chan does, but you were pretty cute as a kid." Nagisa's laughter eventually infected Sousuke, who couldn't help the small grin. Nagisa yelled an "ah-ha!" as he used both his thumbs and index-fingers to mime a photo frame. "And like this," he said, "_just_ like this, is how I want to remember you." He then looked outside the frame, and Sousuke frowned again at the weird wording.

"You sound like you're saying goodbye," he said. Nagisa didn't acknowledge his statement, instead, he said:

"You are going to meet more people in your life, Sou-chan," he distracted himself ruffling Sousuke's hair, feeling the dampness of it as he hadn't in years. "People who are going to make you _so_ happy and who you will make very happy in return." He then dusted Sousuke's shoulders as his frown deepened.

"What about you?" He asked. Nagisa shrugged as he kept smiling and finally looked at him in the eye. Sousuke could see the longing and the uncertainty, but also the thrill and curiosity of something new.

"I'll always be there when you need me," he replied, serene as he normally wasn't. "But you don't really need me now, do you? So I have to go." He said very matter-of-fact, and his hands then moved to caress Sousuke's face.

"Are you really leaving?" He asked, trying not to sound too wounded. "Just like that?"

"We could always meet in your dreams if you want to," he replied with a shit-eating grin, "but if you're that eager for a forget-me-not…" he shrugged nonchalantly and wrapped his arms around Sousuke's neck, before leaning in and kissing him.

Sousuke instinctively closed his eyes and laid his hands on Nagisa's hips, losing himself in the bliss of the moment as all the small things of his would-have-been soulmate passed through his mind (his love for penguin and all things pink, the way he could eat a thousand strawberries and never get tired of the flavor, the way he was just so _enthusiastic_ at everything and so _alive_ despite being dead, his being so _Nagisa_) and as Nagisa vanished, Sousuke's heart clenched with longing at what could have been.

"Go to the olympics for me, won't you?" As Nagisa's voice faded, his arms burned the same way they had when he was eleven years old.

But this time, Sousuke did dare look at the new marks.

'_So you're Yamazaki-senpai? Rin-senpai has talked so much about you!'_

'_Yamazaki-senpai, look! I named Pyuunsuke after you.'_

'_You can call me "Makoto".'_

'_Ah, so you're Yamazaki-san? Rin-san has told me so much about how you were one of the top ten butterfly swimmers in Japan! Could you maybe, if it isn't too much trouble…'_

'_I promise I'll take care of Rin.'_

'_You're a great guy, Sousuke.'_

'_Thanks for the jacket, Sousuke-kun.'_

'_Yo! I found a wild Sousuke.'_

And instead of Nagisa's crossed words, a new mark appeared, framed by strawberries and so Nagisa Sousuke couldn't help but smile.

'_Mou, Sou-chan sure is grumpy in the mornings…'_

* * *

Thanks for reading! I promised Yacchan I'd write SouNagi and finally, after having this in my drafts for almost a whole year, this is done. *Approval seal* Last year I wrote a Nagirin for Nagisa's birthday, but with a 30-day challenge fic on the works, I didn't really have the stamina (or the want) to write all the drafts I have in my drive, so hopefully next year is the year I spam y'all with fluffy nagirins?

Anyways, the song above is beautiful and you should totally listen to it. If you need an English translation, just hit me up and I'll be happy to provide one. :D (and also this fanfic is based on a Tumblr post that said: Au where when your soulmate dies, they become your guardian angel. They have no memory of their past life besides their name.")

I probably should have added a couple of things, and I'm sorry if some scenes are a little confusing (especially the ending, in my defense they mean he is luved? By all? those last marks were more platonic than anything but if there are still questions, ask away), but it's been some time since I last watched the anime. orz Though I'm still proud of how my writing evolved throught this last year? And how this came out?

Anyways I hope you enjoyed.

Matane!


End file.
